I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
