So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
