This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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