just come out here and I will go home with you...
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Randomize
