Christians are straight up FREAKS
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
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