Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
MIDGETS
????
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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