we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
