is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Randomize
