I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize