I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
