piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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