I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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