I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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