I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
