I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
