Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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