you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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