i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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