Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Life is so much better after having sex.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
