8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
