Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
