Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
