T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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