Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
