My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
