You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
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