Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
