Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
