The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
My vagina is very pro this idea
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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