Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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