where am i from again
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize