The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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