I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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