i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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