Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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