Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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