If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
