that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
