Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
