Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
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