Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
