thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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