i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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