Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
