god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
