I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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