i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
