i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
