so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
