areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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