I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Randomize
