it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
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