apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
