i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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