is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
