you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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