i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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