yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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